Friday, April 24, 2009

Sometimes you have to stop and think about yourself in order to stop thinking about yourself so much

I have a few friends who are so afflicted by early pregnancy that you can see the exhaustion in their faces. They are sick and tired and depressed. What sacrifices these women make to bring their children to this world! It really makes me feel lucky... and sometimes guilty.

One of the only things I can complain about my pregnancy right now is the difficulty I have getting up in the morning. To me, waking up from my night's sleep is sometimes like the moments after being dunked in a swimming pool. You surface, confused and with a deep breath. As you try to find your footing, your bully big brother pushes you down again. You think about fighting him or trying to keep your head above the water, but he's much stronger than you and so you give up and go deeper this time. He lets go and you work your way to the top, breathe, then feel his malicious hands on the top of your head driving you down once more.

This in and out of consciousness goes on for at least an hour every morning in my bed. It's a million times worse than those days in college when I would stay up until at least 4 a.m., drop into bed and then find myself crying when I had to wake up at 7 that morning. I at least felt emotion about it then. Now I just feel lifeless. It's not me who doesn't want to get up. I guess sleep just doesn't want me to leave. So he keeps pulling me back like that bully big brother.

The first time around (when Ethan was the fetus) I was just always late for work. Neither my editor nor my co-workers had children so I'm guessing the last pregnant women they spent serious amounts of time with were their mothers. And that was probably when many of them were the fetuses growing organs and toes in their mommy's womb and exhausting the life out of her. They don't remember that. So they looked at me like I was lazy. I'd tell them that darned city council meeting lasted until 11 p.m. or I was working on an in-depth story until the early hours of the morning. That was often true. But really I just needed someone to grab me by the hair and pull me out of bed every day.

I sure need that now, now that I don't have a job to answer to. I guess my kid is my job, but he usually sleeps in as well and we have these lazy mornings where we get up, he plays and I just lie around until I feel alive enough to take a shower. Come to think of it (I just read this post up to this point) that doesn't seem so bad. It may be difficult to get up and go places/make appointments/etc. but I will take lazy mornings without vomit, or worse - a workplace - any day.

I guess I can't complain.

(photo: A headless me at 16 weeks! p.s. I went in for an ultrasound yesterday and it seems this baby - like our first - was determined to be very modest. We couldn't get a peak. So we are holding on until 20 weeks. Here's hoping for a boy or a girl ;-)!)


Erica said...

i just love you megan. i love the title of this post! i sure hope you have a boy or a girl!

Artsy Aut said...

You look so cute! Cant wait to find out what you are having!

Karissa Kay said...

I certainly hope you have either a boy or a girl. I can't wait to find out!!

JEM said...

Congrats, M! I'm rooting for girl just because it makes me smile thinking about all the cute outfits you'd stick her in. And, you mean to tell me that someday my little guy will stop waking me up every day at 5 a.m. and be able to entertain himself while I get my wheels under me in the morning? I have to tell you that's the best news I've heard all day.